cleverisallihave

If you’ve ever called PayPal, you’ve probably gotten an email that starts like this:

Dear Michael,

We noticed that you have not yet had the opportunity to share your experience about your conversation with PayPal.

As part of PayPal’s commitment to excellence, we invite you to share your feedback with us.

It seems like I’m seeing more and more of these types of emails from different companies. Apparently every interaction, no matter how small, requires a “was it good for you?” My “conversation” with PayPal lasted a minute. And I’m pretty sure the guy even asked me if he had answered all my questions and if he could be more helpful. It was fine.

I’ve got nothing against PayPal, but is it necessary? Do they really think people in 2014 will be too shy to tell them  if they were dissatisfied with their service? Maybe they’re just coddling us to stoke our sense of importance? Eh?

Anyway, out of sheer boredom, here’s what I entered into the first text box that appeared in the survey:

Hello Paypal. I noticed you didn’t have the opportunity to voice your opinion on how well I’ve patronized your service. Please take several minutes to complete the following feedback survey:

Was your customer service agent treated with a level of respect you’ve come to expect from Michael?

Did you find Michael’s use of language both pleasing and courteous with the slightest hint of sexual whimsy?

If not, what words could Michael’s incorporate into his lexicon to further inform, inquire, or interact with your agent?

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being Most Satisfied and 1 being Only Slightly Less Satisfied, how satisifed were you with the tone used by Michael?

If Michael did not earn a 10, describe what would it take for him to earn a 10 in 1000 words or more.

Would you consider the topic provided by Michael to be of an acceptable nature? Or was the topic something that he could have found online instead of wasting your time?

Should Michael ask the customer service agents unrelated questions of a personal nature to affect sincerity and interest?

If so, please list any and all topics you deem appropriate for conversation.

Would you recommend Michael as a customer to other businesses, possibly even your direct competitors?

Would additional feedback surveys sent to your email after even the tiniest interactions better secure your relationship with Michael?

Thank you for taking this feedback survey. Please take a few moments now to complete the following feedback survey feedback survey:

Did you find the above feedback survey to contain questions pertinent to a successful business-customer relationship?

Were the questions in the above feedback survey both pleasing and courteous with the slightest hint of sexual whimsy?

Did you find that the amount of questions asked in the above survey to correlate directly with the level of recent interaction that you’ve had with Michael?

If not, how many more questions would it take to acheive such a level of correlation?

On a level of 1-10, with 10 being Most Confident and 1 being Still Pretty Confident, how confident are you that the completion of the above feedback survey will further enhance and fortify the complex bond that you have developed with Michael?

If Michael did not earn a 10, please tell us in a detailed 5,000 word essay the methods by which Michael can instill you with unshakable, euphoric confidence.

Sadly, I realized too late that I had checked the box “no” when they asked if they could contact me to follow up with my response. Kicking myself.